


Someone

by Mareel



Series: Always [22]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Emotions, Epistolary, Family, M/M, Mass Effect 3: Citadel, Memories, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Relationship(s), Romance, Vulnerability, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 20:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4276968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finding the words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place at their London flat approximately seven months after the end of the Reaper War. It is a reply to the letter Shepard received from his mother ([Heart to Heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4129182)). This is Shepard's voice, and includes drafts of the letter he's writing.

 

_To: Hannah Shepard  
From: John Shepard_

_Hey Mom!_

_It's great to hear from you. Your message took some time to get here, but finally arrived. I was worried about you, but hoped that if anything had happened, Hackett would have notified me._

_I'm doing well. The docs tell me that I was in pretty rough shape when they hauled me into the hospital here, but I was unconscious for the first few months. So I got to miss the worst of it._

_From the moment I woke up, my main objective was getting out of the hospital. Everyone was attentive, but it wasn't the best place to get a good night's sleep. Once I was able to take a few steps with assistance, they released me for overnights. I go back almost every day for physical therapy, but I'm walking a lot better now. Still using a cane sometimes, mostly when I get tired._

_There's no need to worry about me, Mom. I'm getting the best care available anywhere. London is a wreak, but somehow the hospital gets enough rations and supplies to keep us all going. Things like fresh fruit are in short supply though. One of the best things I've tasted since I woke up was a banana. It's probably best not to ask how they managed to find that._

_The Normandy made it back to Earth while I was still unconscious. Most of my crew members have stopped by to visit. I'm not sure how the nursing staff felt about krogans, but Wrex and Grunt both managed to get in to cheer me up... and there were no unfortunate incidents._

________________________________

 

I've been watching Kaidan as he reads what I've written so far. "So what do you think?"

"So far, so good, Shepard. You've given her the big picture and a few nice little details. Some humor is always good..."

"Sounds like there's a _but_ coming."

Kaidan's smile takes the sting out of what I know he's going to say. "You haven't really gotten to the personal stuff, aside from the medical report. So it's like your conversations. You were going to tell her about us. This might be a good place to mention it."

"I thought it might be getting too long.""

He shakes his head. "You've only talked to each other for a few minutes at a time over the past... how many years? One of you needs to break the pattern. I think you can do it – it'll probably make her pretty happy."

He hands me back the draft and leans in to kiss my cheek. At least he was aiming for my cheek until I turn toward him and catch his mouth for something a little more intimate. Kaidan returns the kiss, letting it linger but not deepening it. 

"Okay. You're not going to let me distract you that way, are you?" 

"I'm not going to let you distract _yourself_. John, you're doing fine. Just keep going."

He picks up one of his own datapads and goes back to whatever he'd been reading before I asked him to look at my draft. Probably a Council report. They've been trying to get him to agree to doing some missions... unsuccessfully so far. But he has been advising them from time to time. 

Back to the unfinished letter.

________________________________

 

_There's something else, Mom. I'm not sure how to say this, and it's something you know already anyway. But I want you to hear it from me. Kaidan Alenko and I are together._

_I should have told you about it the last time we spoke, but you had a lot on your mind, and well, I took the old path of least resistance. I'm sorry for that._

_We've never talked much about things like this, about personal things... like relationships. I guess I never had anything much to mention, since I was always focused on the missions._

_I'm glad you wrote to Kaidan when you weren't sure I'd be conscious. I don't think he ever left my bedside for more than an hour from the time the Normandy got back to Earth until I woke up to see him there._

__

________________________________

 

I hand the amended latter back to Kaidan with a sigh. "What about this? Damn it, I could write three mission reports to the Council faster and easier, even if they involved treason, sabotage, and incoming Reapers."

Kaidan gives me a small smile as he takes the datapad, but the tension lines suddenly creasing his forehead betray another reaction. "No more incoming Reapers, okay? Not sure I'm able to laugh about them quite yet." He adds a quiet afterthought. "Maybe not ever. I nearly lost you..."

I nod, kicking myself for hurting him with my careless words. "You're right. Just leftover gallows humor, I guess. I'm sorry. Not just for the stupid joke – for everything I put you through. I never want to hurt you again."

Kaidan sniffs a little as the tension fades from his face. "I know, John. And I think I've gotten past it, until some little thing brings it all rushing back. Not your fault – I need to learn to let it go. So... are we good?"

I'm glad to feel him returning the kiss I offer. "More than good. I don't deserve you." 

As he returns his attention to the letter, I settle back to wait for his opinion. I'm trying to be unobtrusive, but I can't help watching his face. He reads it, looks up at me, and then reads it again. 

"It's fine. I know it's new to you to be showing that much of yourself. So if that's how you're most comfortable describing things to your mom, it sounds fine. But I think maybe you're missing something."

"Okay, talk to me, Kaidan. What bothers you about it?'

He doesn't answer directly, but reaches for my hand instead, gently unfolding the scarred fingers until my palm is open to him. Raising it to his lips, he presses a kiss into that open palm. The light touch of his tongue makes me shiver, but he's not done. He folds my fingers back over the kiss and releases my hand, never taking his eyes from mine.

"How does that make you feel?"

I don't have to think about the answer. "Loved. Important to you. You did that in the hospital."

His smile says that was a good answer. 

"It was all I could touch of you for a long time. I hope it made you feel that way then too." He gestures toward the letter. "You write about the facts here, but I think it could use a little emotion. You're not telling the Council about some mission that went sideways, or even one that succeeded despite bad odds."

I nod. What he's saying makes sense. That doesn't make it easy to do.

"Share a little bit of how you feel about us... if you're comfortable doing that. I think your mother would like to hear that you're happy." 

"Okay. Maybe I'll delete that whole section and try again."

________________________________

 

_There's another thing, Mom. I'm not sure how to say this, and it's something you know already. But I want you to hear it from me. Kaidan Alenko and I are together._

_It began back before the end of the war. But it wasn't a sudden thing... if that makes any sense. I should have told you about us the last time we spoke, but you had a lot on your mind, and well, I took the old path of least resistance. I'm sorry for that._

_I'm glad you figured it out and sent that message to Kaidan when you weren't sure I'd be conscious. I don't think he ever left my bedside for more than an hour from the time the Normandy got back to Earth until I woke up to see him there._

_I know you and I never talked much about things like this... about personal things like love and relationships. I guess there was never much of that to talk about, since I was always focused on the missions._

_Kaidan changed everything. The mission was still the overwhelming thing that it was. But in a way, he made it personal for me... gave me someone to live for. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, and it probably doesn't sound very much like the Commander Shepard you knew. I hope it still sounds like the son you were proud of._

________________________________

 

"Kaidan?" At least he doesn't seem like he minds the interruptions. Thank goodness for deadly dull Council documents. "I've written and deleted and rewritten this part so many times that if I'd been writing on paper, it would be full of holes worn by all the erasing. Now I think it feels _too_ personal. Why is this so damn hard?" 

Kaidan's fingertips linger a little longer than strictly necessary to transfer the datapad from my hand to his. "Let me take a look then." 

I glance down at our hands. "You used to do that sometimes. Back on the _Normandy_."

"I used to do what?" His voice is all innocence but his eyes are dancing, absolutely aware.

"You were flirting with me, Alenko, and you know it."

He breaks into a smile... a slightly self-satisfied one. "I guess I wasn't quite as out of practice at it as I thought."

The datapads fall to his lap as he reaches for my face with both hands, his eyes locked on mine.

"Maybe I didn't know how to respond, Kaidan. Not until you said it in plain words that day at Apollo's. Then everything fell into place. I could put a name to it all. _Someone to live for.._."

Kaidan's fingertips are on my neck, seeking out the smooth skin behind my ears. He knows what that touch does to me, and I shiver as he completes my phrase from that day in a husky voice. _"Maybe love."_

He's replacing his fingertips with soft lips against my neck, and my breath catches. 

"No _maybe_ about it, Kaidan."

The letter will wait.

__________________________________________________

 

I'm propped up against the arm of the couch with Kaidan sitting between my bent knees, his back against my chest. His disheveled hair feels soft against my chin. "Warm enough? Maybe I should find where we left the hoodies..."

"Plenty warm, John. No need. Besides, I'm much too comfortable here."

I thread my fingers through his hair, remembering the first time I woke up beside him. One stray lock of that black hair had fallen across his forehead and the trace of a smile on his lips reminded me of the young lieutenant as I'd first known him. I wanted to wake up to that sight every morning for the rest of my life. And that was a new feeling for me.

He shifts against my chest and I pull myself back to today.

"I see you retrieved the letter... did you read it?"

"Just finished it. I think you got it right this time. What don't you like about it?"

It takes me a few moments to remember exactly what I'd finally written. "I don't know... that's not true. I _do_ know. I just wrote what I was feeling about you, about how you made me see the whole mission as more personal..."

Kaidan doesn't turn to face me, but rests a hand on the arm that I'd draped over his shoulder to rest against his chest. " _Someone to live for_... that part?" 

His hand is gentle as he strokes my arm, trying to get me to relax again. "Yeah. I wonder if that's something that belongs just between us, you know?"

Kaidan twists around enough to meet my eyes. "It sounds like you _do_ want your mom to know that our being together means a lot to you."

"I do. I just don't know if that's the right way to say it. But if I take that part out, I'm probably left with another situation report."

"John, that realization was important to you... it changed the way you looked at your life and your mission. You realized we were more than a one-night thing." He lifts his face toward mine, and I bend to kiss him. When it ends, he continues. "It makes me so happy that you felt that way... and that it's how you choose to describe our relationship." 

His eyes are golden-flecked amber. At this moment I'm his whole focus... and it feels amazing. My breath catches and I almost miss his next words. 

"You're asking me what I think. I think you said it perfectly. Don't change a word."

Still holding his gaze, I nod. "Okay. I trust you, Kaidan."

The moment is too intense to last. He turns and settles back against my chest, warm and solid. I want to stay like this for a long time. He retrieves the letter from between the couch cushions and hands it back to me. 

"Maybe just add something in closing. Tell her you hope to see her soon."

"Yeah, sounds like a good plan."

________________________________

 

_I hope you'll make it back to Earth soon, maybe when they get the first mass relays repaired. It's been too long. And I want you to meet Kaidan._

_I'm not sure what else to say. I told Kaidan a few days ago that I'm not very good at writing letters. I hope this is at least as good as some of my mission reports._

_Love you, Mom. Take care._

_John_

__________________________________________________

 


End file.
